Thoughts: Mental Illness. (AKA i'm sorry)

i've been pretty quiet here for a long time. oh, who am i kidding? a lot of you probably thought this blog has been abandoned. the truth isn't quite that simple. i speak often about the need to be open about mental illness, and how that openness can help can fight the stigma that all of us who suffer from mental illness face. 

but i haven't really been practicing what i preach when it comes to this blog. and i want to apologise to you all sincerely for that. and i want to do better. i've had a post idea stewing for a while that's nearly come together and should start being written soon, but for the time being, how about we have a chat about how we're all doing.

since i came up with the idea and because being a blog, i kinda have to post for a conversation to start, i guess i'll go first. 

lately i've been dealing with a lot going on in my head. mostly anxiety related, i think. senses heightened from their usual ASD-induced 11 to a constant 15 (yes, out of 10). rage flashes when even the smallest thing goes wrong - and it's all i can do not to explode. plus, i don't trust anyone at the moment. this last one has eased a bit over the past week, but life is tough. but i've realised that not talking about it isn't helping me, it isn't helping any of you and its not true to my beliefs. so, i'm going to try to do better on that count. and i really want to hear how you are all doing. 


No, you do not get to force me to talk to you.

Last night i got harassed and threatened by a random user on irc. Now, this is a problem that Carly Findlay talked about very recently by sharing her own experience. Here's my experience from last night.

So, i'm chatting away in an irc channel (one i happen to be an op in) when a random user that i don't know takes it upon themselves to private message me without permissions, when i told them very clearly that i didn't want to talk to them several times and in several ways, they got aggressive culminating in these two lines:

= 21:32:19 <xxxxxx> this isn’t goodbye. i’m going to find you ;)
= 21:33:56 <xxxxxx> pieces of shit like you are the reason there is pain in the world and I will put an end to you

You can find the entire log here (note that i have removed the name of this person and the network name, this is the only editing i have done. 

For obvious reasons i'm scared and angry about this, moreso because i felt that there was little i could do. This person uses a service called irccloud which hides their IP not just from regular users, but from ircops on the network. This makes reporting them to their ISP impossible. There were some steps i could take, though.

  1. Banned them from any channels i could.
  2. Warned ops in channels where i couldn't.
  3. Contacted irccloud.
  4. Contact the local police - this was a complete waste of time.
  5. Tweeted about how i felt.

Now, my initial contact with irccloud though twitter didn't seem promising, but they did ask me to send through and email, which i did, and once they'd seen that they were able to act and got back to me very quickly, something i am extremely grateful for. While i won't go into exactly what they said, i will say i am satisfied with their response.

The police, however, need more training when it comes to online harassment. Their solution came down to "well, don't use irc". No, that's victim blaming! There is no way that i should have to hide because there are people out there who think it's okay to force themselves into my online space and threaten me when i refuse to let them. So, i'm going to keep getting angry when this happens, to me or to others and i will fight back.

photo credit: Talk 2 The Hand via photopin (license)
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An Open Letter to the So-called Patriots.

Image shared on facebook. Text: I wonder if I said Australia is the best country in the world, how many friends would agree with me. Share on your profile and see."

Image shared on facebook. Text: I wonder if I said Australia is the best country in the world, how many friends would agree with me. Share on your profile and see."

There's a lot of these sorts of posts around, and to be frank, they make me sick. Surprise, surprise, they also make me angry. This is what i call lazy or blind patriotism. It tends to be linked to ignorance and often, bigotry.

This country, like every other, is imperfect. This is something to be ashamed of. Our treatment of asylum seekers is in breach of international law. Our treatment of the poor, the mentally ill, the homeless is disgusting. We have had governments for decades who are more interested in lining their own pockets with the money of the rich and breeding fear of everyone who is different. This is not okay, this is not something to be proud of, and if you're sitting there ignoring this, accepting the hate that comes from Canberra, YOU are the problem.

You are not a true patriot. You're lazy, you're ignorant and YOU are the problem. If you want to be proud of this country, get off your lazy arse and fight to make this country something to be proud of.  Learn the truth about asylum seekers and fight for their right to be treated with dignity and respect. Learn what this country does to its poor, its disabled, to anyone who is different and fight against it. A true patriot strives to make their country better and doesn't ignore everything that's wrong. Go on, open your eyes. See this country's potential. See the fact that the "lucky country" is not living up to its potential and join us in the fight to change that. If you're not willing to, sit down and get out of the damn way.

A Tasteless Bait & Switch: The Jack the Ripper Museum

A whistle with Jack the Ripper branding on offered for sale at the museum. 

A whistle with Jack the Ripper branding on offered for sale at the museum. 

News of the Jack the Ripper Museum is all over twitter at the moment, and even as a true crime junkie, the whole thing disgusts me. Reports from the architect and council state that this was supposed to be a women's history museum and then suddenly we're faced with a museum that glorifies a man who is famous for the horrific killing of at least five women? This can only be considered a tasteless bait and switch and evidence that not only are the lives of these women still not considered worthy of respect, but that their only value is in the money their violent deaths can bring in.

A brief look at the website shows exactly how disrespectful this museum is, (see above) they're selling a Jack the Ripper branded whistle of all thing. Is there any way to see this aside from as a jab at all women who are victims of violence?

With a society that still celebrates this violent, still unidentified man, what conclusions should we be drawing about not only society itself? But about claimed changes to the views this society holds on violence and towards women? 

More importantly, what do we do with those answers? How do we truly make the world better, safer and more amazing? 

A reflection on anxiety during bushfire season.

Bushfires are scary as well as deadly.

Bushfires are scary as well as deadly.

Today has been rough. Bushfire season has started early here in Australia, and honestly it's a huge anxiety trigger for me.  

The sound of the sirens, the ping when the fire ready app reports an incident near me... and the news, the constant reports of fires all over the country. Honestly it's terrifying. It's true that the information is vital and saves lives, so the answer is certainly not to hide from it.  

But the what is the answer to surviving bushfire season with minimal anxiety? Is there one? If there is, it's currently beyond me.  

photo credit: 2286508570055500858 via photopin (license)

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Why i write...

Wow, what a complicated thing to answer... But i guess i should limit it to the three main reasons.

1. A Coping Mechanism

Like many people i battle anxiety and depression, it's not an easy battle, but writing and expressing myself through the written word helps. Writing out my anger, my frustration, my fascination, and my various thoughts on the world helps me to deal with a world that often times makes no sense to me. It also distracts me from the chaotic sensory torture i deal with every day due to being on the autism spectrum.

2. To Communicate and Engage.

This one is rather frustrating for me due to such a small readership at this stage, and is going to sound somewhat presumptuous. But i feel like i have something to say to the world, and i want a chance to say it, and to hear what people have to say in return. The amount of time i spend frustrated by like buttons is getting a little silly, admittedly they are a form of engagement, but i don't want to just know what my readers "like" my work, i want to know what they do and don't like. What they think about the topics i discuss. It means so much to me when people strike up a conversation about a blog post. While i'm aware that it takes time to build up the sort of readership that is going to get that sort of deep engagement, it's something that's very important to me.

3. (Hopefully) Income.

Currently i am on disability, income is tight, and due to the disabilities i have, most forms of work aren't an option. But writing is something i can do fairly easily and comfortably. It would do me so much good to earn enough money from my writing to not be "wealthy", but to not worry about paying my next bill or for my medication and to ideally earn enough for the Love of my life and i to be in the same place. Okay, i'm fully aware that this isn't completely feasible through Patreon alone, but an increased readership could also gain attention from other sites i could write for.

Of course, you're probably now asking why i'm telling you all this. It's because i have some requests for those of you who do read this.

  1. Comment - anything you want to tell me about the post - Do you like/dislike my view on the topic? Do you want to explore it with me some more? Do you have a suggestion for a related topic you think i might like to explore and write on? Comment on the blog, on the Facebook or G+ pages, or tweet me.
  2. Share - Like the post? Know someone who might get something out of it? Share it on anywhere and everywhere you choose to!
  3. Support - If you so choose and can afford to, support me on patreon, as little or as much as you chose/can afford. You could also send people who may be interested in hiring me for their own sites this way so that they can have a look at my style.
  4. Ideas - If you have any further ideas how i could get this blog some more attention or get reliable work righting in my own style, let me know!

photo credit: Quill via photopin (license)

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Dear Fat People,


There is a video gaining a lot of attention on YouTube at the moment which is directed at fat people. While i'm not going to link to that video, you can check out these response videos from Ashley Mardell and Meghan Tonjes. The following is what i want to say to other fat people.

Dear Fat People, 

There's a lot of pressure in this world to be thin, to be beautiful, to be perfect. Whether or not you buy into this, the first thing you need to do is love and accept your body. This will help you deal with the way the world looks at you if you choose not to loose weight.

The other key thing that it will do if you are trying to loose weight is that it will help. If you love and accept your body, you'll be more inclined to look after it! And, yes! That is going to help you lose weight.

But whichever camp you're currently in, it is so so important that you love and accept yourself, and don't let fat shaming and societal standards make you hate yourself or feel like crap.




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On my shitty town and the anti-mosque protests

Well, it must be a day ending in "y" because once again i'm angry. (What a surprise!) The fuss in Bendigo over the proposed mosque absolutely disgusts me! This is a town with approximately 50 christian/catholic/similar churches and there are people who have the cheek to say that ONE mosque is "forcing their religion down our throats". Pot, kettle, black much? 

We live in a country that used to be so proud to be multicultural, a country that celebrated he melting pot! No one protested the building of The Great Stupa, no one bats an eyelid when a new church is built. The only possible explanation for this reaction is bigotry and islamophobia. This is totally disgusting behaviour, this is not okay. There is no reasonable justification for denying people their place of worship simply because their beliefs do not match yours. Hell, if your beliefs are that fragile that another faith having ONE place of worship is a threat to you, then you might want to look at yourself.

The other squawking is the fairly obvious "terrorist threat" bullshit that follows muslims everywhere. Bendigo has a strong muslim community, both in the medical community and as students at La Trobe University. Nothing's blown up yet! It's beyond me how anyone could imagine a simple place of worship changing that.

Personally i'm very much in favour of this mosque and excited to see it built. As far as i'm concerned those against it need to sit the hell down and shut up.

On being Trans, stealth.

Okay, deep breaths, my parents both know and have taken it well so here goes... everything? Yes, i am transgendered, specifically non binary or gender fluid. Pronouns will remain she/her as this is how i largely present and because it is fitting for other elements of my lifestyle - something i won't go into in this post. Of course, some of you know, my trans siblings largely know. But i want to talk about why i've not told some people. About why some trans people choose to be "stealth".


Society at large focuses very much on a gender binary. Male and female, and to be any type of trans, be it mtf, ftm or outside the binary, we challenge that binary just by existing and some find this threatening, from a simple level of discomfort to sometimes extreme violent reactions. This is something that puts our lives at risk. While i can't be sure what the risk is for people like me there's still a lot of fear. The amount of time i spend afraid that the next trans death will be someone i know directly, or someone they know directly is really huge. Truth is i love all my trans siblings, whether i've met them yet or not, and each loss hurts.

So this is me. Out. If you're wondering how to be a good ally? Here's a wonderful video that may answer a lot of your questions. Any others? feel free to ask me.


They says that everyone has secrets, and it's true. We all have things in our lives that we keep to ourselves or are selective about who we tell. Sometimes we do this to protect ourselves, sometimes to protect others. This is perfectly understandable.

Certain things aren't the business of acquaintances or strangers, even to some extent, friends. Things like gender identity, sexual orientation can get people hurt or killed. A loved one learning we're an abuse survivor can be cause them a lot of pain, and explaining it can drag us back to a place we don't want to remember.

But at the same time, keeping secrets from loved ones can be hard and when the come out, the fact that it was a secret can hurt just as much.

It's important to think carefully about who we share things with and who we don't. None of us can live with no one to share things with, wearing a mask with everyone in our lives. But it's just as important to remember that when people keep things from us, that their reasoning may not be deceitful or malicious.


photo credit: Hush Hush via photopin (license)

On Violent Protest

It's been a topic for debate for a while but tonight i've seen two memes on the topic, and they piss me off. Here they are:

These images piss me off on a couple of levels, the first is notice that both portray people of colour? This editorial on CNN covers it well, so i won't rehash it.

The other problem is that this is an attempt to dictate how people speak out or protest. Looting is a whole other matter and usually the activity of opportunists. Rioting, however, is often a form of angry protest employed when all forms of peaceful protest have been exhausted. 

These are frustrated, disenfranchised, vulnerable people who have gotten to the point where they believe no one is listening. It is not okay to withdraw vital supports because you disagree with their methods. It is not okay to tell them that because another person protested in another way successfully, their methods are invalid.

You have every right to disagree with their methods, you have every right to choose your own protest methods, but despite what many people would like to believe. Violence sometimes is the answer.

Today... i feel ugly.

Today i feel ugly, not on the outside, but on the inside. Someone i used to be close to has passed away, and while there have been some good memories come back, i still feel resentful about the matters that caused us to part ways. On top of that i feel resentful that they dared to pass away when i was almost prepared to bury the hatchet with them (as opposed to in them, which is how i had felt for years.) 

Yes, i know that i'm being hard on myself and that anger is a part of the grieving process. But it's one that i am not handling right now... the missed opportunity is very painful and it's something i'll have a lot of trouble forgiving myself for waiting on.

(please note: some of you may know who this is about. please do not name names, i do not want to upset those who knew this person, but i did need to let this out.)

Just some housekeeping.

In a possibly vain attempt to keep what remains of my sanity, i've decided to split some things up into blog related, SJ related and personal/bdsm related. So here's the wall of relevant links for my social media sorted according to their uses:

Blog/Vlog/Writing Related:

Social Justice Related:


If you find that you've been unfollowed by my personal twitter, you may have been moved to another account.

An Open Letter to Terry Pratchett

Dear Terry,

The first time i read The Colour of Magic, was during a rather chaotic time in my life, it was then quickly followed my many more books from the Discworld series, and the world, your writing, the stories you told took me out of my mundane, stressful life and into a world of magic, wonder and your wonderful wit.

Since then more people in my life have either discovered your talent, or simply discovered my love for your work and shared with me their own. It's always a delight to discover that a friend, new or old, is a fellow traveler through the Discworld, a fellow citizen of Ankh-Morpork.

But while you were mostly known for your wit, Choosing To Die proved to me how thoughtful and serious you could be. Watching that documentary was tough, of course it would be; but your gentle, respectful narration made it a little more bearable, despite the fact i wept through most of it.

Your passing, however, has saddened me even more. While i understand that you were very ill, that you are now at peace, i still feel your loss keenly. There were so many more stories for you to tell, and i rage at Alzhimer's for taking you so early. At the lack of research and funding that could have saved your life and imagination for those who love you, your family, friends and fans. At the same time, i know that in a way your many books have made you immortal and while there will be no more stories, i can always revisit those that already exist. Did you know that your books are inherently re-readable?

Perhaps i should end this simply by saying, as others have: thank you, Terry, for sharing your imagination with us. Rest in Peace, Terry. Rest in Awesome.

below are some of my favorite quotes.

“He was determined to discover the underlying logic behind the universe.
Which was going to be hard, because there wasn't one.”
Terry Pratchett, Mort
“And what would humans be without love?"
RARE, said Death.”
Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
“If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.”
Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
“And what would humans be without love?"
RARE, said Death.”
Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
“If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men
“Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently absurd actually existing are millions to one.
But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.”
Terry Pratchett, Mort

[From the Vault] Guidelines for being welcome in my life/home [Updated]

Those who need to read this probably never will. but those of you who do read it, might take away something to use in your own lives. so here goes:

  • my Husband/Master is the light of my life, He is my rock. if you cannot at least be civil/respectful to and about Him, i don’t want you around.
  • The above applies to ex-partners i am still friendly with.
  • The above also applies to my family and chosen family. if you have a pass on this one, you’ll know about it. do not assume. this also applies to my Master’s families (chosen and bio).
  • Your religion may work for you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean i want to hear about it. If i want to, i’ll ask.
  • BDSM and Gor are part of my life. If you do not agree with aspects of this, that's fine. But respect that it is part of who i am.
  • There is no place in my life or home for racism, sexism, whorephobia, rape apologism, victim blaming, oversexualisation, desexualsation, transphobia, fatshaming, thinshaming or general bigotry based on any form of religion, gender, or other belief. those supporting harmful beliefs will be asked to leave, but will not be treated in a harmful fashion.
  • Objects brought into my home should be useful, beautiful or both. be they gifts or things of your own that will leave with you.
  • Laughter is encouraged, music is required. Food will be judged on how happy and content it makes the eater. Cuddles are ALWAYS a good thing.
  • All animals should be treated with respect. Yes, even that spider you have to kill because it terrifies you – do it as quickly and painlessly as you can. Yes, even the magpies auditioning for a remake of a certain Alfred Hitchcock film in my front yard.
  • When i am particularly unwell, either physically or mentally, i may drift away. This is not rejection. When i am doing better, i shall drift right back. It’s simply not fair on either of us to try to deal with my issues at their worst AND try to communicate.

That’s pretty much it. hopefully this makes sense!

This post is from my old blog, it was originally posted on October 15th, 2013. It was updated on February 10th, 2015 to reflect some changes in my life and beliefs. For those interested, the original text can be found on the wayback machine archive here (third post down).

Celebrity is problematic

This can have problems that are in fact polar opposites, and they can in fact happen at the same time. One one side we have vilification, often far beyond what could possibly be reasonable. Remember, we're talking about human beings who make mistakes, who sometimes have nothing to give. It's not fair to dogpile on someone who is already doing it tough, no matter how much celebrity they are seen to have, no matter how perfect you believe they should be because the truth of the matter is that they are not perfect. The flip side of this is the complete denial that our idol could possibly do such a thing. Yes, it's important to defend and trust those we care about and those we respect, but we need to be a bit realistic in this, and it comes back to the same point. Human, imperfect.

As a community, we need to find that middle ground between the two, we need to accept that everyone in the community, no matter how visible are going to make mistakes. We need to hold them and ourselves accountable for all actions, but we also need to do so within reason. It's not fair to expect perfection from anyone.

[From the Vault] Another angry post – Sex Work and Trafficking.

The issue of human trafficking within the various sex work industries has popped up again in my twitter feed due to a kickstarter project that i won’t be linking to because i don’t want it getting any traffic via me. So i’ve had a think about it and here is my list of tips on how to help those who are victims of human trafficking in the sex industry.

  1. Don’t assume all sex workers are victims of HT. There are many people (men, women, trans*) who choose sex work in all it’s forms willingly and enjoy it. They are not victims, they are not brainwashed. They are doing a job they chose, and generally like.
  2. Do not assume any sex worker who has a bad day and feels the need to express it is a victim. People in all industries have bad days. Venting is healthy.
  3. Do not force your beliefs down the throats of any sex worker you meet, trafficked or not. You will simply alienate them, and possibly, in the case of those you’re looking to help, make them too ashamed to seek help.
  4. Respect the privacy and indeed anonymity of all sex workers. Never link their real name with their work without permission, never show their photo in association with their work without permission. That’s explicit permission. From them.
  5. Be available to talk non-judgementally. In their time. Don’t push.
  6. Do not use pity porn to “create awareness”. It doesn’t help. It does more harm than good by a long shot.
  7. Try fighting the associated stigmas, issues and prejudices that lead to forced sex work or cases where there is simply no other option. These include addiction, transphobia, poverty, judgement of single parents.
  8. Find ways for those who do not want to continue as sex workers to find other employment. Again, do not use pity porn to do this.
  9. Realise that sex is not dirty or wrong and that some of the people you’re going to come across do not want or need your help. At all.
  10. Remember that stigma kills. There have been several sex workers killed in the last few weeks that i know of who died because of the attitudes towards their choice of work. This is not okay. They each tried to get help, but were dismissed at best because of their refusal to be seen as victims of sex work, as opposed to victims of violence.


An important note here: i’m not a sex worker, i’m not an expert. What i am, is an ally who listens to what various sex workers have to say about their work and experience. And this, to me, is the key starting point. Listening.

This post is from my old blog, it was originally posted on July 24th, 2013

R.I.P. Stella Young

Today i learned that writer, comedian and disability advocate Stella Young has died at the age of 32. This makes me sad. 

It would be easy to talk about Stella as an inspiration, but this is not something she would have liked. So here's my real opinion of Stella. She was a straight-talking, gusty, intelligent and wonderfully funny woman. She showed and taught that disability is not a Bad Thing. She was so proud to be who she was. This gave me hope. This made me respect her and want to be like her. Stella Young is a role model for me and i want to find a way to contribute the the continuation of her work.  

i'll miss you, Stella.

(Stella's family have requested that people make donations to Domestic Violence Victoria, as this was a cause Stella was passionate about.)