In honour of Suicide Prevention Month, i felt that it was important to talk about what it feels like to be suicidal. This post is not about judging those who do or do not fight. It is simply to give voice to how it feels to be in this mental place.
Suicidal ideation is insidious, it sneaks in and it stays. It crawls into the deepest parts of the mind, to the point where sometimes, even on a good day, your mind can wander back to it. A brief moment of idleness can lead to planning of methods, timing... It can gag you, prevent you reaching out to tell those who love you what's going on. Its whole focus is on making you feel so isolated that you want to give in... and that's how it beats you. Once its done that it gets to break all those who loved you, simply by taking you out of their lives.
- desikitteh, founder, TCR.
I am not sure how good I will be for this since I dont really have much suicidal problems, caused from my large fear of death, honestly it probably one of the few things that has kept me alive. Plus mine is cause from being Bipolar, there is no cause for mine I just wake up feeling deep with sadness, or I will be in a great mood and out of no were at the snap of a finger I will go into a deep pit feeling like nothing, feeling nothing but sadness. Plus I dont like to talk about it much because with how many people say they are "depressed" or "suicidal" for attention most people find it annoying which I cant blame them for. Makes it more difficult to explain my situation as well since mine is completely out of my control.
I've always considered myself too scared of the physical pain involved to successfully commit suicide. I often credit my cowardice for the fact I'm still alive. But that's not entirely true. Without some awesome friends (and finally getting on medication), even cowardice wouldn't have been enough. Because there are some methods that don't involve pain. Or others that don't involve causing that pain myself. There was a point where I was crossing a parking lot, and realized I wouldn't even try to get out of the way if someone was driving too fast and ran me over. Then I wouldn't feel responsible for the act. And I was actually disappointed when the only drivers in that lot went around the areas I was walking through. They didn't even give me a chance to jump in front of them. Even now, properly medicated and with most of the stressors that brought me to that point addressed, just thinking back on those moments threatens to pull me back into that mindset. And I have to choose to fight back into the light. But I do. I choose to live. And that's all that *really* keeps me alive
- Daniel Husaker
i think the worst part about feeling suicidal is the pure desperation behind it. you might know that logically it won't fix things, that you will leave people behind and even maybe that it won’t work and hope that someone will notice before you act. desperation fucks with your ability to communicate how you feel thus leaving you to feel that suicide is the only option so you don’t have to than spend one more minute feeling like you are being suffocated and strangled while drowning all at once
Thank you to those who contributed to this.